Walking With God

Second Chances

1/20/2021

And I thank Christ Jesus our Lord who has enabled me, because He counted me faithful, putting me into the ministry, although I was formerly a blasphemer, a persecutor, and an insolent man; but I obtained mercy because I did it ignorantly in unbelief. ~ I Timothy 1:12-13

I was not a 'good' person before I came to Christ. Do not get me wrong I was kind at times and compassionate, fun loving and had a good sense of humor; it is not like I was a Bond villain or anything. I helped people and did do some good things, but at the same time I was an angry vindictive person. I was a liar and a cheat, a thief and a bully who would take any opportunity to get what I wanted and to hell with anyone else and what they needed. Sometimes I look back on the person I was and shake my head in disbelief at just how selfish I had been, often to the detriment of those who were close to me. Worst of all, I was a heathen blasphemer. I practiced Wicca and performed rituals with the intent of getting my way in life and I do believe they were effective at times. I have much to say on the reality of the occult but I will save that discussion for another time. As a warlock, that is, a male witch I hated Christians. I did not hate them because of their faith but because they were always coming to me telling me what I could and could not do with my life and I was very vocal in my disregard for the Church, to put it mildly.

I am not bringing this up to belittle myself or cast myself in a harsh light, I was who I was at the time and nothing I do now can change the past. In a recently Let's Play I did on my YouTube channel I go into detail as to how I got from there to where I am now and I might write it down at some point but again... not today.... that is not the point of this post.

I was a blasphemer and a persecutor of the Church, looking back I see many similarities between who I was and Paul when he went by the name of Saul. I was insolent and self-righteous thinking I knew what was correct though I could not have been more wrong. And yet. Even with all of this going on, God saw something in me. He had a purpose for me even when I was seeped in pagan mythology and new-age witchcraft. He had made me for His service from the very beginning and only required of me to turn to Him and to open my eyes to what His Kingdom was really about. It was not about rules and restrictions, casting aside the pleasures of life and living as a monk or a Stepford Wife. It is about love; about caring for each other, loving each other with all of our hearts and building something that is bigger then ourselves and more important then what 'we want'. God's Kingdom.

This was true for me, and it is true for you too. If God can take a degenerate warlock and turn him into someone who has dedicated his life to God's Kingdom and giving children a strong moral and spiritual foundation; just imagine what He wants to do with you?

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Serve or be Served

1/13/2021

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The Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many. ~ Matthew 20:28

I read the Bible, I listen to what the Holy Spirit imparts to me and I try to live my life in a way that honors God. I like to think I know a lot about what it means to be a follower of Christ, but even today it absolutely staggers me when I see how completely opposite a life devoted to Christ is from what the world would have us live.

Let us take the verse above as an example. Jesus Christ would have us live for others, He came and told us He had come to fulfill the Law we had been under, (the 300+ rules and regulations of the Old Testament) and gave us two. Love God and love others. Period. Both of these rules put others before ourselves. Jesus Himself, the Son of God came and put others before Himself. He came with the purpose of dragging us up from the dirt and setting us in the throne room of God, and I do not feel like I am exaggerating or mixing in hyperbole when I say this. He served, and we are called to do the same. This does not mean to ignore your needs or that you can not live a happy or fulfilling life. God wants you to be joyful and content, but also to help others be the same.

By sharing that joy with others we live happier and more fulfilled lives. Nothing in this world brings me more happiness then knowing I have served in a meaningful way and helped a brother or sister in need. It does not matter if they know it was me, this is not about getting a reward but about sharing love and joy through service. The world on the other hand... well I do not want to get too negative here or make accusations, but it seems that the more we go on the more life becomes about getting more and more. We have been taught that we will get joy and happiness from the acquisition of more and better toys then our neighbors and if we can not get more then we can be stated by insuring that they... will have less.

This breeds a mentality of entitlement, that we deserve more, that we have the right to what we want and if we do not get it then we should shout and argue because the world, "Owes me!". The truth though is that the world owes you nothing, your rights are words written on a piece of paper by men long since dead. All we really have is each other and a God who has given us a map to living a joyful life.

So now we are left with a question; do we live a life based on self fulfillment? Scratching for everything we can get and stepping on each other so we can die the person on top? Or, do we live a life of service, helping others and taking joy from the knowledge that we are giving as was given to us? One will get you stuff, but the other will bring you joy and peace and in this age I believe the latter is what has true value. I would like to leave you with a quote from a great man named Albert Schweitzer:

Those will be happy who are looking for, and are finding, how they can serve.

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Off the Deep End

1/6/2021

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As for you, brothers, do not grow weary in doing good. If anyone does not obey what we say in this letter, take note of that person, and have nothing to do with him, that he may be ashamed. Do not regard him as an enemy, but warn him as a brother. (2 Thessalonians 3: 13-15 ESV)

Sometimes it can be VERY difficult to do what I know God has asked for me to do. I get angry and frustrated by the actions of others, especially when the ones hurting me are Christians. I have what you might call 'trust issues', issues gleaned from a life time of people who have taken my trust and shattered it, leaving me unwilling to invest in new friendships. What is the point in investing in others just so they can hurt me after all? This was never a conscious decision, but one that I have recently become aware of.

I think this is why I both cling to God and pull away from Him. I cling to God because I want, I NEED to trust Him, and He has never actually failed me. Yet. I say 'yet' because here is where the other side of the coin comes in. Though I know I can trust God in my heart, most of the pastors and other Christians I have known have left me wounded and hurting. This leaves me with flickers of doubt, moments where I ask the question "Are you there for me?".

Let's put a pin in that for a moment, I have a story for you today. I have a massive irrational fear of heights. I am talking about vertigo on a step stool, nausea when over five feet up level here. One time back in my twenties, I was trying to woo a girl, (Yes, I said woo). She was cute and I was shy so I did the only thing I could think of to impress her, I went up on a high diving board and prepared to jump off. I never claimed this was a smart move, I was young and hormones were in play here so there I was. Thing is, because it was an indoor pool the water was smooth like glass making it almost look like it was not even there. The view was forty feet down and my very scared brain saw it as a long drop to a very hard concrete stop. I was absolutely paralyzed, caught between my fear and my pride with a line of frustrated and impatient hecklers growing behind me by the minute.

It is sort of like any challenge in life really, we can only see the danger, the problem and the circumstance in front of us. We often can not see that we are not alone, that there might be something between us and the bottom of the pool. A very nice lifeguard saw I was frozen and took pity on me, she splashed the water beneath the diving board, the ripples broke up the surface showing me the water between me and what looked like my doom. I was never in any REAL danger because the water was there even if I could not see it. In the say way, God is always there ready for us though we may not see Him.

Going back to that question, I can say that God is there for me because He has always been there for me whether I can see Him of not. I am not a follower of Christ because of Christians, they are not 'better' more 'trustworthy' or even have it all together; Christians have just as many problems as everyone else. And I will probably continue to have trust issues with people because much like me, they mess up while striving towards the never ending goal of trying to be more like God. I am a follower of Christ because He does not falter, He will never betray my trust.

And when other people hurt me, I can see them as brothers and sisters on the same road as me. They will make mistakes and break trusts just like I do, but when I forgive them instead of letting bitterness enter my heart, I have a little less to carry with me as I go.

By the way, I did get the date with that girl from the pool. It was something I came to regret for a very long time afterwards.

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Love Hope Faith and Love

1/3/2021

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Season of Mercy

12/30/2020

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This is evidence of the righteous judgment of God, that you may be considered worthy of the kingdom of God, for which you are also suffering-- since indeed God considers it just to repay with affliction those who afflict you, and to grant relief to you who are afflicted as well as to us, when the Lord Jesus is revealed from heaven with his mighty angels
2nd Thessalonians 1:5-7 ESV

As I lay back on my couch, a laptop pillow on my legs and write this a dull throbbing pain shudders through my lungs. The pain has been there for months now and though I have good days it is for the most part unceasing. It's frustrating and annoying and does little for my otherwise 'sunny disposition'. It's funny how when you are suffering from something, anything, you look for someone or something to blame. For me I don't have anyone to blame for what I am going through, I don't even have myself to blame for this but I can and often do find things in other people, imagined slights that I can focus on. I quickly realize I'm only transferring my frustration on them and do my best to ignore the Mister Grumpy-Pants attitude but it got me to thinking.

Even if there was an obvious villain to my story, which there is not, would their punishment be mine to met out? Would I have the right to bring judgement down on them and say they need to suffer for their wrong doings, and how would that make me any more than the villain in their story? I can already hear the frantic typing in the comments section, 'Because they started it, they brought it upon themselves!' you cry indignantly! Maybe, assuming they did indeed do something to you, maybe they did bring it on themselves. That begs the question; who has the authority and the right to make them pay? Who knows the transgressor and the depths of their crimes to adequately judge and dictate a consequence that matched the offenses? Who but God?

Now I get it, not everyone reading this is Christian, but let's run with the idea that the God of the Bible is in fact real, (something I believe wholeheartedly) and that the person who you believe has done you wrong is in fact guilty of the offense and probably much more that they were never even caught for. Given these things why on earth would we want to be the ones to take up vengeance against our persecutors when the punishment of our all-powerful God would be both worse and more just then anything we could consider. We could just sit back and wait shouting out "Smite them oh mighty smiter!"

I suggest, that we are unwilling to relent to God's authority in retribution because we know that He, our all-powerful, merciful Lord... will forgive them just as He forgave us. He sees us in this moment as he saw Jonah whom He pulled from his cercumstances and forgave, then watched shaking His head as Jonah levied vengeance and unforgiveness on Nineveh. If you haven't read this book of the Bible lately you seriously need to go back and read it again after reading this message. (Book of Jonah) He, our God, knows our transgressions and He forgives us as we are all the villains in someone else's story.

I suggest that where we seek vengeance, God offers salvation. That is a pretty big statement so let me repeat that in case you were not paying attention: Where we seek vengeance, God offers salvation. When we look for villains, God seeks His children. Jesus told us: “You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say to you, Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if anyone would sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well." (Matthew 5:38-40) He is cautioning us against seeking vengeance for ourselves as they did under the laws of Moses in the Old Testament and instead offer them forgiveness and turn away trusting in God to be the arbitrator and dealing with those who have harmed us with love and mercy.

This by no means says to stand there and just take it becoming victims and letting others walk all over you. If someone hurts you, you walk away because forgiveness does NOT mean giving them permission to hurt you. My brother hurt me and my family a lot over the course of my life, admittedly there was often we had done things to warrant it, but after a time it came to the point where his presence would be toxic. So what do you do in a situation like this?

Some would say you are well within your rights to give him the boot, tell him to take off and cut all ties with you. The other side of the coin would say that he is family; you just have to accept him for who he is and suck it up. The former casts him out and in my brother's case, would have validated his feelings that he was worthless. The latter on the other hand would have built resentment and anger, eating away at the love remaining between us; with the added bonus of getting to live with a toxic relationship that hurt everyone involved. I wish I could say we made a correct, loving choice in this situation but the truth is we did both of these things at one point or another before we listened to what God had to say.

Straight up God says to love, no where in Scripture does it say we have to LIKE anyone, but to LOVE everyone. We forgave my brother but gave him his space, hoping and praying that one day we would return to us. That very thing did eventually happen and now broken relationships have begun to be mended. In his story we were the villains and he in ours, now we are family, together in love. This does not remove anything that was done, but we choose to love, to forgive as God does us.

This is all well and fine, but is poor comfort when we watch people seeming to get away with murder, and there is no repentance in sight! What about the people that step on us and don't seem to even care, or worse, do it with malice and intentional hurt? In all honesty you are not going to like the answer. We hold to the law of God and of man. The law of God says we forgive and love them anyway, even if we don't like them. The law of man says that if someone hurts us or breaks the law then it is the government that punishes them. In both cases it is not ours to seek vengeance and to do so not only puts us in the wrong, but robs us of the peace and serenity that forgiving another brings.

In the end it's not about blame, we can trust in God's justice. And in doing so, learn to forgive ourselves and let go of negative feelings and resentments. This allows us to love God, love others and love ourselves as He loves us.

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all endings matter (Part 2)

12/20/2020

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"We give thanks to God always for all of you, constantly mentioning you in our prayers, remembering before our God and Father your work of faith and labor of love and steadfastness of hope in our Lord Jesus Christ. " I Thessalonians 1:2-3

God's strength begins where ours ends. That was the core of the message from last week. When we are weak He is strong, and He will carry the burden for us so we can continue to move through the circumstances of our lives and grow stronger. But there was another thing God revealed to me while I was laid out on the couch, (read the first part of this message to get some context.).

I was contemplating suicide but was in too much pain to make any effort towards that end, it was a sincere desire drenched in pain and in misery. I had no strength left, no hope because I was looking in the wrong direction. God spoke to me in the depths of my pain, He lifted me up and set me back on my feet but the desire to end it had not faded completely away. I have a lot to live for, my life is filled with blessings that in the light of day are easy to pick out and the struggles I deal with have solutions or at least, can be handled until the solutions become apparent. But when you are exhausted, when your will and your strength is tapped a way out can become appealing. I have been tapped for awhile now. And even knowing God was holding the burdens for me was not enough to take the desire from me.

The second revelation God gave me hit me later on that evening. I was thinking about the good God had used me for, the people I had spoken to in His name, the kids I have worked with over the years and the adults God used me to reach. These were highlights in my life that bring me peace, knowing His kingdom reached a little more because God used me.

I want you to do something with me for a moment. I want you to think back to a movie or a book you enjoyed. Pick one at random as long as it has a story to it, no documentaries or the like. Can you pick out a character or a scene you liked? Odds are you can, most of us can pick something out like that especially when the story touches us in some way. There is one thing though that always sticks with us, and that is the ending, the entire story is capped by how the ending is framed. You look back on all of the good of your life, every life you have touched; even people who you don't even know have been impacted by your story. And before you complain, I don't care who you are, your life has made a positive impact in someone's life and how you end that life.... that will not only be remembered but will color the events of your life for as long as you are remembered. God showed me that framing the end of my life in suicide would taint the things I had done in His name. Every time someone thought of something I had taught them, something connected to me they would be reminded... of my ending. God's kingdom would be connected in a lasting way... to death.

There are a lot of ways suicide hurts those around us. It steals time with loved ones, it breaks relationships. I don't want to sound harsh, but it is a selfish crime that robs the one who does it of a life that is never as lightless as they think it is. This is not something I am saying from the outside looking in but from the perspective of one who has tried it or seriously contemplated it 5 times over the course of his 46 years on this earth. But the worst effect, the most devious thing that evil does with this act is it corrupts the memories and the actions of the one doing it. Whenever even joyful memories arise, they will be met with sorrow because those who remember will always remember, how the story finished.

IF you are someone who has been contemplating suicide, or maybe you are just going through a rough time right now, I want you to know that there are people out here who are with you. You are loved and as much as you may not believe it, talking about it to someone DOES HELP! I love you, God bless you and keep you safe.

Canada Suicide Help Line 1-833-456-4566
USA Suicide Help Line 1-800-273-TALK (8255)

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Keeping the Faith

12/16/2020

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But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep. 1 Thessalonians 4:13-14

I know I've been talking a lot about death recently, but it is a very real and intense subject especially right now in our culture. COVID-19 and 2020 in general have the world thinking more and more about what comes next. Add to that my recent brush with thoughts on the subject and you can see my motivations. Death is scary. End of sentence. It is the place where our beliefs hit the pavement and all will be revealed. No matter what or where your faith lies, death brings with it that hint of apprehension, "Is God who I believe Him to be?".

For the longest time, the Roman Catholic Church was and I think still is 100% positive that our God is a vengeful God who says eating meat on Friday carries with it a sentence to Hell, that's a capital 'H' little 'e' double 'l'. If you are Muslim, then drinking alcohol has the same destination tied to it. Jewish? Then eating unclean meats like pig will drop you right down to the flaming gates. Meanwhile, I had a ham and pineapple pizza on Friday and washed it down with a rye and Pepsi Zero, what does that mean for me?

I do not know. My specific beliefs on the minutia of theology differ even from the church where I work. What I do know is that God loves each and every one of us and wants us to be safe and happy. So He puts rules in front of us to follow in order to keep us safe and happy. These rules still apply though the focus has changed from the 300+ rules of Leviticus to the simpler and easier to remember three Jesus set before us. “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind, and your neighbor as yourself.” (Luke 10:27 ESV)

These are pretty simple, pretty direct and easy to follow: Love God, Love Others, Love Yourself. So... basically love. And by doing these three things we become more like God. We live putting God first and the welfare of others before ourselves without neglecting our own health or needs. I bet you were not expecting a message about death to include love and self care huh? Remember to go and drink some water after you finish reading this, you need to hydrate.

This is all important because your faith, what you believe will help you weather any storm and the love of Jesus Christ is never changing, He will be with you every day and through every trial until you are standing with Him. "Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever. " (Hebrews 13:8 ESV) If you hold true to what you believe even during the storm, unwavering, then when you do come to stand before God you can do so without apprehension, knowing you have loved as He loves you even to the end.

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All Endings matter (Part 1)

12/13/2020

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Very few of you know me personally, I am a... complex person with a very colorful history. One of the things I have had to deal with since I was young is depression and anxiety. If you have never had an anxiety attack let me try to give you a vague description. Imagine your heart is beating at an exorbitant rate, your mind is racing and you seem incapable of dealing with things rationally. It's like you have been injected with speed and wrapped in a straight jacket two sizes too small and hurled into a deep dark pit. Alone with your mind spiraling out of control, you can only imagine the worst as your brain goes over ever part of your situation in vivid detail; explaining how horrible you are and how everything and everyone will cast you out if they knew a fraction of how broken and hopeless you are. So you scream and scream and scream in your own head but nothing will come out. You sit in silence while your mind implodes and try to smile, try to tell everyone you are 'fine' because you can not tell them how you are really doing. Anyone who tries to tell you that becoming a follower of Christ takes away all of your problems is seriously misinformed and needs to pick up a Bible.

Until a few days ago I was living day to day in this dark place. I had been hiding from myself at work, burying myself in the lives of the kids I worked with, and it was working for a time but then I got sick. I've been home for a few weeks now, barley able to go into work for a couple of hours here and there to drive the van. I can barely talk and struggle to do even the most basic things. My hiding place was stripped away from me leaving me exposed and in pain with no where to go but inward. I didn't share any of this with my wife, at least, nothing real, choosing instead to sink into depression and 'spare' her from having to deal with my anxiety as she was going through her own struggles at the time.

Things quickly fell apart, my illness reeked havoc with my lungs and stole my energy leaving me joyless and without hope. I know I will heal and that this is not the way my life will be from now on. My quality of life will improve as I get better but then again, remember when I said a person caught up in anxiety does not think rationally? Finally I hit bottom a couple of days ago. Connie and I got into a rather big argument. It was over something dumb in a video game, one of the few things I seem to be able to do without stressing out my lungs, and it had me absolutely furious because the longer the argument went the more pain I was in and the more helpless I felt. Finally I left the room, I could not take it anymore and laid down on a couch in our spare room. The cats of course wanted to comfort me and crawled all over me while I struggled to breath, my mind locked in a hell of pain and self recrimination.

I laid there for over an hour before my breathing became easier, my lungs felt like someone had been punching them from the inside and my strength was completely depleted. I wanted to cry but could not even bring my self to move, I was 'locked in' in the worst way with no escape from the mental and spiritual attacks I was going through. I wanted to die, not in some flippant inconsequential way, I truly wanted to get up and find a way to end my life, but I was in too much pain to do anything about it. As I went through the various ways I could end myself and put myself out of my misery I fully understood that I was spent. I had nothing left and begged God in my mind to end me and take me home. Thankfully God was with me, He watched over me and helped me come out and talk with Connie, it helped but did not fix the spiritual exhaustion. I knew I would not kill myself, I was too tired and in all reality could not put my wife through that, but the desire was still very much there.

The next morning I did something I had not done in some time. I picked up my Bible and began to read. Connie had said she was reading I Thessalonians so decided to start there. I didn't make it very far before God stepped in. God will never force Himself into your life, He wants you to open the door for Him. I started writing and pouring out my frustration and fear, my pain and above all else, my exhaustion. It was then that God spoke something very profound into me that changed my view. I am going to write down here exactly what God spoke into me that morning:

This will change. How I feel in the midst of my circumstances is not real. It is hard to see past it right now, to fight against it, but it is when my strength fails that God's strength begins. No platitudes, no empty promises of prosperity, He endures and through His strength so do I.

The relief of knowing that I did not need to carry the weight, that He was there in the midst of that pit with me and wanted to shoulder that burden... It had me in tears. No matter where you are right now, no matter how alone or how hopeless you feel you are right now, I have been there. I can tell you with absolute certainty that you are not alone. He has His hand on your shoulder and weeps right along with you. No matter the weight, no matter how broken you think you are you are not beyond God's ability to mend your heart. If you hear nothing else I have said today take that one thought with you. You are not beyond God's redemption.

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New Words for a New age

12/9/2020

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A lot has happened since the last time I put this website in front of me. I changed ministries from being an associate pastor to being the director of a nonprofit after school care. From there I worked to bring God's word to children and their families. My wife Connie, who you may know from Connie's insights was diagnosed with sarcoidosis and the world went slightly insane.

Then we got two beautiful black kittens named Zoey and Rylie who are like our children since we have none of our own. Then I got sick. Just before Thanksgiving, (Canadian thanksgiving) I started to have pain in my back, pain that quickly spread to my lungs. The doctor's think it is viral pleurisy, an illness that in a nut shell makes it painful for me to breath or do much of anything. This does not help when working in childcare. After much struggle I have now taken time off to try and get better leaving me stagnant and my direction vague for the first time in years. I started a Tik Tok Account, posting cat videos daily with some amount of success because who doesn't love cat videos, but there is something more, something I needed to be doing and I couldn't figure out what it could be.

Enter my brother. My older brother Bill who is going through his own health crisis and needs all of the prayers he can get, suggested I should start writing sermons again. This is something I haven't done since I was a pastor and shrugged it off. I can barely hold a conversation let alone speak at length, then God gave me a nudge. There is no reason I cannot write and maybe with the help of a text to voice app even make short videos.

So here I am. Once again sitting with my Bible beside of me but now with a kitten snuggled up on my other side and have begun to write. I'm not sure where this new chapter of my life will take me, I don't know what sorts of challenges the new year will bring, (Mad Max was set in the year 2021 after all..). The one thing I do know is that with God all things are possible. Today I read in I Thessalonians 2:4 "but just as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, so we speak, not to please man, but to please God who tests our hearts."

I have been entrusted with a purpose and that is to share God's gospel, it is an honor and a privilege to serve Him and I will do my very best using the gifts He has given me regardless of what tests try to stand in my way.

Second Chances

Serve or be Served

Off the Deep End

Love Hope Faith and Love

Season of Mercy

all endings matter (Part 2)

Keeping the Faith

All Endings matter (Part 1)

New Words for a New age

GoofBall April 6th

Walking With God

Walter Blackwood

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