I was contemplating suicide but was in too much pain to make any effort towards that end, it was a sincere desire drenched in pain and in misery. I had no strength left, no hope because I was looking in the wrong direction. God spoke to me in the depths of my pain, He lifted me up and set me back on my feet but the desire to end it had not faded completely away. I have a lot to live for, my life is filled with blessings that in the light of day are easy to pick out and the struggles I deal with have solutions or at least, can be handled until the solutions become apparent. But when you are exhausted, when your will and your strength is tapped a way out can become appealing. I have been tapped for awhile now. And even knowing God was holding the burdens for me was not enough to take the desire from me.
The second revelation God gave me hit me later on that evening. I was thinking about the good God had used me for, the people I had spoken to in His name, the kids I have worked with over the years and the adults God used me to reach. These were highlights in my life that bring me peace, knowing His kingdom reached a little more because God used me.
I want you to do something with me for a moment. I want you to think back to a movie or a book you enjoyed. Pick one at random as long as it has a story to it, no documentaries or the like. Can you pick out a character or a scene you liked? Odds are you can, most of us can pick something out like that especially when the story touches us in some way. There is one thing though that always sticks with us, and that is the ending, the entire story is capped by how the ending is framed. You look back on all of the good of your life, every life you have touched; even people who you don't even know have been impacted by your story. And before you complain, I don't care who you are, your life has made a positive impact in someone's life and how you end that life.... that will not only be remembered but will color the events of your life for as long as you are remembered. God showed me that framing the end of my life in suicide would taint the things I had done in His name. Every time someone thought of something I had taught them, something connected to me they would be reminded... of my ending. God's kingdom would be connected in a lasting way... to death.
There are a lot of ways suicide hurts those around us. It steals time with loved ones, it breaks relationships. I don't want to sound harsh, but it is a selfish crime that robs the one who does it of a life that is never as lightless as they think it is. This is not something I am saying from the outside looking in but from the perspective of one who has tried it or seriously contemplated it 5 times over the course of his 46 years on this earth. But the worst effect, the most devious thing that evil does with this act is it corrupts the memories and the actions of the one doing it. Whenever even joyful memories arise, they will be met with sorrow because those who remember will always remember, how the story finished.
IF you are someone who has been contemplating suicide, or maybe you are just going through a rough time right now, I want you to know that there are people out here who are with you. You are loved and as much as you may not believe it, talking about it to someone DOES HELP! I love you, God bless you and keep you safe.
Canada Suicide Help Line 1-833-456-4566
USA Suicide Help Line 1-800-273-TALK (8255)