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Uncomfortable Questions

1/27/2021

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This is a faithful saying: If a man desires the position of a bishop, he desires a good work. A bishop then must be blameless, the husband of one wife, temperate, sober-minded, of good behavior, hospitable, able to teach; not given to wine, not violent, not greedy for money, but gentle, not quarrelsome, not covetous; one who rules his own house well, having his children in submission with all reverence (for if a man does not know how to rule his own house, how will he take care of the church of God?); not a novice, lest being puffed up with pride he fall into the same condemnation as the devil. Moreover he must have a good testimony among those who are outside, lest he fall into reproach and the snare of the devil.  ~ I Timothy 3:1-7

This is a lot to take in and it is only the start. 1st Timothy chapter three describes how a bishop or deacon, basically any leader in a church is required to live. These rules are for the health and integrity of that church and extremely important, not to mention stressful and taxing as we are all hounded by our sinful natures.  I think this is why church leaders often take breaks from service every few terms, gives them a break from the intense pressures of the position.  You have to go into leadership within a church with a correct intent, a moral and ethical center not compromised by personal motives.

This was not me

I became an associate pastor at a church completely green to true ministry work. Before this I had this website, an online diploma in Biblical Studies and a few months of helping with a seniors ministry under my belt, but the pastor at this church saw a gifting in me to speak God's word. Though I did not know it, I sought out the  power, respect and authority this position held; mostly because I felt like I never really had these things before in my life. So I took the posting. If I am being completely transparent, most of the time I end up in positions purely by my God given gifts at adapting and improvisation, not by any proven skill or education. This in turn often puts me in the mindset that I do not deserve what I have; and my family and I are really good at self sabotaging when we do not feel worthy of something.

When I was growing up I was mostly left to myself, not because I was unloved; my mother had a lot going on trying to raise two boys mostly by herself and my brother had quite a few issues he was going through that needed direct attention. So I would find myself hiding in movies TV and books, looking for my identity through these mediums. I saw these strong confident people able to do anything they put there minds to surrounded by tight groups of people who would put their lives on the line for each other... I wanted that so badly...

I remember a time when I tried to fashion myself as a 'greaser' because I had read The Outsiders in school and marveled at how close the gang of teens were in the story. Needless to say I was marked as a weird kid, but I was happy for a time trying to shoe horn myself into that image. In high school, it was the metal head image I adopted, head banging my way into another peer group, hoping to find acceptance.

Seeing this pattern it is no surprise that in my 20s I then changed myself again, professing myself as both a bi-sexual and a wiccan. I was desperate for intimacy, for love, and if I could not get it from one gender then I would try to get it from the other. Not only this, but as I stepped into that world I found other fringe groups like wiccans, covens of people so completely tied together that they were like one poly-amorous being. To an emotional scarred young loner, this was as close to perfect as I felt I would ever find. 

This is of course is all wonderfully clear in hind-sight. My motives seemed at the time less desperate grasping for somewhere to belong and more exploration and self discovery. A young man trying to find out 'who he really is'!

These are just a few examples of a long and clear history of me reinventing myself to fit into a group for self fulfillment, trying to fill a hole I see in my life. This does make me wonder though...

I am doing this now?

Is my devotion to God another instance of me reinventing myself to fit into a group? This is not a comfortable question. I really want to delete this and stop looking at this line of questioning right here, right now. Maybe write a nice happy fluff article on how much God loves us? *sigh* I have to keep going, a small terrified part of me does not want to look too closely in case I do not like the answer I come to; but how could I live with that sort of sword hanging over my head? No, I need to follow this through.

I do still copy this pattern of behavior, seeking the approval of others and alter my look to gain the acceptance of others. I used to wear a cowboy hat all of the time, I LOVED that hat! But some at work through it was weird and I knew they did not approve, so I stopped wearing it saying it was so the kids did not keep trying to grab it when I really just wanted to fit in. But unlike bi-sexuality, wicca, fictional gang affiliation or any of the multitude of other things I had shoe-horned into my life; there is something different about my faith. There is one thing my faith in Jesus Christ has that none of the other things have.

truth

I believe, pure and simple. In my heart, I can FEEL HIS PRESENCE, even when I am at my worst, He is there. I cannot answer every question, I cannot demonstrate or give concrete researched explanations for every perceived argument against the Living God of the Bible. The only thing I can tell you without a shadow of doubt, is that HE is the one and only thing in my life that is solid and unchanging. Through the storm of my emotional turmoil, He is there. Through my mental anguish and depression, He is there.  And when my body is broken and in pain, He is there. God is my rock, the center of my universe, and what keeps my grip on reality solid.

God, you are my father when none have been.
God, you are my love even when I do not love myself.
God, you are my hope when my world is crashing around my ears.
God, you are who I cling to when my mind shatters into splinters that threaten to tear me apart.
You are my Savior, my Redeemer and my Friend. Thank you God for walking me down this road and showing me I have nothing to fear in the shadows. Amen.

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Second Chances

1/20/2021

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And I thank Christ Jesus our Lord who has enabled me, because He counted me faithful, putting me into the ministry, although I was formerly a blasphemer, a persecutor, and an insolent man; but I obtained mercy because I did it ignorantly in unbelief.  ~ I Timothy 1:12-13

I was not a 'good' person before I came to Christ. Do not get me wrong I was kind at times and compassionate, fun loving and had a good sense of humor; it is not like I was a Bond villain or anything. I helped people and did do some good things, but at the same time I was an angry vindictive person. I was a liar and a cheat, a thief and a bully who would take any opportunity to get what I wanted and to hell with anyone else and what they needed. Sometimes I look back on the person I was and shake my head in disbelief at just how selfish I had been, often to the detriment of those who were close to me. Worst of all, I was a heathen blasphemer. I practiced Wicca and performed rituals with the intent of getting my way in life and I do believe they were effective at times. I have much to say on the reality of the occult but I will save that discussion for another time. As a warlock, that is, a male witch I hated Christians. I did not hate them because of their faith but because they were always coming to me telling me what I could and could not do with my life and I was very vocal in my disregard for the Church, to put it mildly.

I am not bringing this up to belittle myself or cast myself in a harsh light, I was who I was at the time and nothing I do now can change the past. In a recently Let's Play I did on my YouTube channel I go into detail as to how I got from there to where I am now and I might write it down at some point but again... not today.... that is not the point of this post.

I was a blasphemer and a persecutor of the Church, looking back I see many similarities between who I was and Paul when he went by the name of Saul. I was insolent and self-righteous thinking I knew what was correct though I could not have been more wrong. And yet. Even with all of this going on, God saw something in me. He had a purpose for me even when I was seeped in pagan mythology and new-age witchcraft. He had made me for His service from the very beginning and only required of me to turn to Him and to open my eyes to what His Kingdom was really about. It was not about rules and restrictions, casting aside the pleasures of life and living as a monk or a Stepford Wife. It is about love; about caring for each other, loving each other with all of our hearts and building something that is bigger then ourselves and more important then what 'we want'. God's Kingdom.

This was true for me, and it is true for you too. If God can take a degenerate warlock and turn him into someone who has dedicated his life to God's Kingdom and giving children a strong moral and spiritual foundation; just imagine what He wants to do with you? 

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Serve or be Served

1/13/2021

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The Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life as a ransom for many.  ~ Matthew 20:28


I read the Bible, I listen to what the Holy Spirit imparts to me and I try to live my life in a way that honors God. I like to think I know a lot about what it means to be a follower of Christ, but even today it absolutely staggers  me when I see how completely opposite a life devoted to Christ is from what the world would have us live.

Let us take the verse above as an example. Jesus Christ would have us live for others, He came and told us He had come to fulfill the Law we had been under, (the 300+ rules and regulations of the Old Testament) and gave us two. Love God and love others. Period. Both of these rules put others before ourselves.  Jesus Himself, the Son of God came and put others before Himself. He came with the purpose of dragging us up from the dirt and setting us in the throne room of God, and I do not feel like I am exaggerating or mixing in hyperbole when I say this. He served, and we are called to do the same. This does not mean to ignore your needs or that you can not live a happy or fulfilling life. God wants you to be joyful and content, but also to help others be the same.

By sharing that joy with others we live happier and more fulfilled lives. Nothing in this world brings me more happiness then knowing I have served in a meaningful way and helped a brother or sister in need. It does not matter if they know it was me, this is not about getting a reward but about sharing love and joy through service. The world on the other hand... well I do not want to get too negative here or make accusations, but it seems that the more we go on the more life becomes about getting more and more. We have been taught that we will get joy and happiness from the acquisition of more and better toys then our neighbors and if we can not get more then we can be stated by insuring that they... will have less. 

This breeds a mentality of entitlement, that we deserve more, that we have the right to what we want and if we do not get it then we should shout and argue because the world, "Owes me!". The truth though is that the world owes you nothing, your rights are words written on a piece of paper by men long since dead.  All we really have is each other and a God who has given us a map to living a joyful life.

So now we are left with a question; do we live a life based on self fulfillment? Scratching for everything we can get and stepping on each other so we can die the person on top? Or, do we live a life of service, helping others and taking joy from the knowledge that we are giving as was given to us? One will get you stuff, but the other will bring you joy and peace and in this age I believe the latter is what has true value. I would like to leave you with a quote from a great man named Albert Schweitzer:

Those will be happy who are looking for, and are finding, how they can serve.
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Off the Deep End

1/6/2021

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As for you, brothers, do not grow weary in doing good. If anyone does not obey what we say in this letter, take note of that person, and have nothing to do with him, that he may be ashamed. Do not regard him as an enemy, but warn him as a brother. (2 Thessalonians 3: 13-15 ESV)

Sometimes it can be VERY difficult to do what I know God has asked for me to do. I get angry and frustrated by the actions of others, especially when the ones hurting me are Christians. I have what you might call 'trust issues', issues gleaned from a life time of people who have taken my trust and shattered it, leaving me unwilling to invest in new friendships. What is the point in investing in others just so they can hurt me after all? This was never a conscious decision, but one that I have recently become aware of.

I think this is why I both cling to God and pull away from Him. I cling to God because I want, I NEED to trust Him, and He has never actually failed me. Yet. I say 'yet' because here is where the other side of the coin comes in. Though I know I can trust God in my heart, most of the pastors and other Christians I have known have left me wounded and hurting. This leaves me with flickers of doubt, moments where I ask the question "Are you there for me?".

Let's put a pin in that for a moment, I have a story for you today. I have a massive irrational fear of heights. I am talking about vertigo on a step stool, nausea when over five feet up level here. One time back in my twenties, I was trying to woo a girl, (Yes, I said woo). She was cute and I was shy so I did the only thing I could think of to impress her, I went up on a high diving board and prepared to jump off. I never claimed this was a smart move, I was young and hormones were in play here so there I was. Thing is, because it was an indoor pool the water was smooth like glass making it almost look like it was not even there. The view was forty feet down and my very scared brain saw it as a long drop to a very hard concrete stop. I was absolutely paralyzed, caught between my fear and my pride with a line of frustrated and impatient hecklers growing behind me by the minute.

It is sort of like any challenge in life really, we can only see the danger, the problem and the circumstance in front of us. We often can not see that we are not alone, that there might be something between us and the bottom of the pool. A very nice lifeguard saw I was frozen and took pity on me, she splashed the water beneath the diving board, the ripples broke up the surface showing me the water between me and what looked like my doom. I was never in any REAL danger because the water was there even if I could not see it. In the say way, God is always there ready for us though we may not see Him.

Going back to that question, I can say that God is there for me because He has always been there for me whether I can see Him of not. I am not a follower of Christ because of Christians, they are not 'better' more 'trustworthy' or even have it all together; Christians have just as many problems as everyone else. And I will probably continue to have trust issues with people because much like me, they mess up while striving towards the never ending goal of trying to be more like God. I am a follower of Christ because He does not falter, He will never betray my trust.

And when other people hurt me, I can see them as brothers and sisters on the same road as me. They will make mistakes and break trusts just like I do, but when I forgive them instead of letting bitterness enter my heart, I have a little less to carry with me as I go.

By the way, I did get the date with that girl from the pool. It was something I came to regret for a very long time afterwards.

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Love Hope Faith and Love

1/3/2021

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    Walking With God

    Walter Blackwood

    Director of Out of School Care at Sunridge Community Church in West Kelowna BC, Canada

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