I think this is why I both cling to God and pull away from Him. I cling to God because I want, I NEED to trust Him, and He has never actually failed me. Yet. I say 'yet' because here is where the other side of the coin comes in. Though I know I can trust God in my heart, most of the pastors and other Christians I have known have left me wounded and hurting. This leaves me with flickers of doubt, moments where I ask the question "Are you there for me?".
Let's put a pin in that for a moment, I have a story for you today. I have a massive irrational fear of heights. I am talking about vertigo on a step stool, nausea when over five feet up level here. One time back in my twenties, I was trying to woo a girl, (Yes, I said woo). She was cute and I was shy so I did the only thing I could think of to impress her, I went up on a high diving board and prepared to jump off. I never claimed this was a smart move, I was young and hormones were in play here so there I was. Thing is, because it was an indoor pool the water was smooth like glass making it almost look like it was not even there. The view was forty feet down and my very scared brain saw it as a long drop to a very hard concrete stop. I was absolutely paralyzed, caught between my fear and my pride with a line of frustrated and impatient hecklers growing behind me by the minute.
It is sort of like any challenge in life really, we can only see the danger, the problem and the circumstance in front of us. We often can not see that we are not alone, that there might be something between us and the bottom of the pool. A very nice lifeguard saw I was frozen and took pity on me, she splashed the water beneath the diving board, the ripples broke up the surface showing me the water between me and what looked like my doom. I was never in any REAL danger because the water was there even if I could not see it. In the say way, God is always there ready for us though we may not see Him.
Going back to that question, I can say that God is there for me because He has always been there for me whether I can see Him of not. I am not a follower of Christ because of Christians, they are not 'better' more 'trustworthy' or even have it all together; Christians have just as many problems as everyone else. And I will probably continue to have trust issues with people because much like me, they mess up while striving towards the never ending goal of trying to be more like God. I am a follower of Christ because He does not falter, He will never betray my trust.
And when other people hurt me, I can see them as brothers and sisters on the same road as me. They will make mistakes and break trusts just like I do, but when I forgive them instead of letting bitterness enter my heart, I have a little less to carry with me as I go.
By the way, I did get the date with that girl from the pool. It was something I came to regret for a very long time afterwards.