This is a faithful saying: If a man desires the position of a bishop, he desires a good work. A bishop then must be blameless, the husband of one wife, temperate, sober-minded, of good behavior, hospitable, able to teach; not given to wine, not violent, not greedy for money, but gentle, not quarrelsome, not covetous; one who rules his own house well, having his children in submission with all reverence (for if a man does not know how to rule his own house, how will he take care of the church of God?); not a novice, lest being puffed up with pride he fall into the same condemnation as the devil. Moreover he must have a good testimony among those who are outside, lest he fall into reproach and the snare of the devil. ~ I Timothy 3:1-7
This is a lot to take in and it is only the start. 1st Timothy chapter three describes how a bishop or deacon, basically any leader in a church is required to live. These rules are for the health and integrity of that church and extremely important, not to mention stressful and taxing as we are all hounded by our sinful natures. I think this is why church leaders often take breaks from service every few terms, gives them a break from the intense pressures of the position. You have to go into leadership within a church with a correct intent, a moral and ethical center not compromised by personal motives.
This was not me
I became an associate pastor at a church completely green to true ministry work. Before this I had this website, an online diploma in Biblical Studies and a few months of helping with a seniors ministry under my belt, but the pastor at this church saw a gifting in me to speak God's word. Though I did not know it, I sought out the power, respect and authority this position held; mostly because I felt like I never really had these things before in my life. So I took the posting. If I am being completely transparent, most of the time I end up in positions purely by my God given gifts at adapting and improvisation, not by any proven skill or education. This in turn often puts me in the mindset that I do not deserve what I have; and my family and I are really good at self sabotaging when we do not feel worthy of something.
When I was growing up I was mostly left to myself, not because I was unloved; my mother had a lot going on trying to raise two boys mostly by herself and my brother had quite a few issues he was going through that needed direct attention. So I would find myself hiding in movies TV and books, looking for my identity through these mediums. I saw these strong confident people able to do anything they put there minds to surrounded by tight groups of people who would put their lives on the line for each other... I wanted that so badly...
I remember a time when I tried to fashion myself as a 'greaser' because I had read The Outsiders in school and marveled at how close the gang of teens were in the story. Needless to say I was marked as a weird kid, but I was happy for a time trying to shoe horn myself into that image. In high school, it was the metal head image I adopted, head banging my way into another peer group, hoping to find acceptance.
Seeing this pattern it is no surprise that in my 20s I then changed myself again, professing myself as both a bi-sexual and a wiccan. I was desperate for intimacy, for love, and if I could not get it from one gender then I would try to get it from the other. Not only this, but as I stepped into that world I found other fringe groups like wiccans, covens of people so completely tied together that they were like one poly-amorous being. To an emotional scarred young loner, this was as close to perfect as I felt I would ever find.
This is of course is all wonderfully clear in hind-sight. My motives seemed at the time less desperate grasping for somewhere to belong and more exploration and self discovery. A young man trying to find out 'who he really is'!
These are just a few examples of a long and clear history of me reinventing myself to fit into a group for self fulfillment, trying to fill a hole I see in my life. This does make me wonder though...
When I was growing up I was mostly left to myself, not because I was unloved; my mother had a lot going on trying to raise two boys mostly by herself and my brother had quite a few issues he was going through that needed direct attention. So I would find myself hiding in movies TV and books, looking for my identity through these mediums. I saw these strong confident people able to do anything they put there minds to surrounded by tight groups of people who would put their lives on the line for each other... I wanted that so badly...
I remember a time when I tried to fashion myself as a 'greaser' because I had read The Outsiders in school and marveled at how close the gang of teens were in the story. Needless to say I was marked as a weird kid, but I was happy for a time trying to shoe horn myself into that image. In high school, it was the metal head image I adopted, head banging my way into another peer group, hoping to find acceptance.
Seeing this pattern it is no surprise that in my 20s I then changed myself again, professing myself as both a bi-sexual and a wiccan. I was desperate for intimacy, for love, and if I could not get it from one gender then I would try to get it from the other. Not only this, but as I stepped into that world I found other fringe groups like wiccans, covens of people so completely tied together that they were like one poly-amorous being. To an emotional scarred young loner, this was as close to perfect as I felt I would ever find.
This is of course is all wonderfully clear in hind-sight. My motives seemed at the time less desperate grasping for somewhere to belong and more exploration and self discovery. A young man trying to find out 'who he really is'!
These are just a few examples of a long and clear history of me reinventing myself to fit into a group for self fulfillment, trying to fill a hole I see in my life. This does make me wonder though...
I am doing this now?
Is my devotion to God another instance of me reinventing myself to fit into a group? This is not a comfortable question. I really want to delete this and stop looking at this line of questioning right here, right now. Maybe write a nice happy fluff article on how much God loves us? *sigh* I have to keep going, a small terrified part of me does not want to look too closely in case I do not like the answer I come to; but how could I live with that sort of sword hanging over my head? No, I need to follow this through.
I do still copy this pattern of behavior, seeking the approval of others and alter my look to gain the acceptance of others. I used to wear a cowboy hat all of the time, I LOVED that hat! But some at work through it was weird and I knew they did not approve, so I stopped wearing it saying it was so the kids did not keep trying to grab it when I really just wanted to fit in. But unlike bi-sexuality, wicca, fictional gang affiliation or any of the multitude of other things I had shoe-horned into my life; there is something different about my faith. There is one thing my faith in Jesus Christ has that none of the other things have.
I do still copy this pattern of behavior, seeking the approval of others and alter my look to gain the acceptance of others. I used to wear a cowboy hat all of the time, I LOVED that hat! But some at work through it was weird and I knew they did not approve, so I stopped wearing it saying it was so the kids did not keep trying to grab it when I really just wanted to fit in. But unlike bi-sexuality, wicca, fictional gang affiliation or any of the multitude of other things I had shoe-horned into my life; there is something different about my faith. There is one thing my faith in Jesus Christ has that none of the other things have.
truth
I believe, pure and simple. In my heart, I can FEEL HIS PRESENCE, even when I am at my worst, He is there. I cannot answer every question, I cannot demonstrate or give concrete researched explanations for every perceived argument against the Living God of the Bible. The only thing I can tell you without a shadow of doubt, is that HE is the one and only thing in my life that is solid and unchanging. Through the storm of my emotional turmoil, He is there. Through my mental anguish and depression, He is there. And when my body is broken and in pain, He is there. God is my rock, the center of my universe, and what keeps my grip on reality solid.
God, you are my father when none have been.
God, you are my love even when I do not love myself.
God, you are my hope when my world is crashing around my ears.
God, you are who I cling to when my mind shatters into splinters that threaten to tear me apart.
You are my Savior, my Redeemer and my Friend. Thank you God for walking me down this road and showing me I have nothing to fear in the shadows. Amen.
God, you are my father when none have been.
God, you are my love even when I do not love myself.
God, you are my hope when my world is crashing around my ears.
God, you are who I cling to when my mind shatters into splinters that threaten to tear me apart.
You are my Savior, my Redeemer and my Friend. Thank you God for walking me down this road and showing me I have nothing to fear in the shadows. Amen.
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